Saturday, May 14, 2005
i have changed my blog address three times, while keeping to the same skin.i've always wanted to be a free angel. but sadly i will never be.i've always wanted to have many friends, but now that i've got that, i realise i was better off alone.i've always wanted to get to njc, to join syfc, to be with the air force, but recently, i'd rather have contracted an uncurable strain of disease. like malaria mixed with dengue fever and topped with yellow fever.that wouldn't be too hard. since mrs lee doesn't want to do anything about the mosquito invasion in our school.i feel so distant nowadays, so distracted. i cant even type the password while logging on to blogger without stopping halfway to identify what i'm typing.
then i have to delete the whole thing and type it again slowly cos i'd have forgotten where i've stopped.i'm working by clockwork. i'm not living with the moment and cherishing my time.
i got stuck somewhere in the past.
i'm losing hold of my senses.
i'm losing my inner peace.
i'm losing grip of my mental state.i have lost myself.i wish i could just go home alone. and talk to myself on the way. meditate in the bus. i wish i was ruth. she could go mute for months at a time, using those stupid shooting stars or 'ghostbodies' as an excuse.i wish i could share my distress with someone. but from past experiences, everytime i do that, the friendship will just go cold and they'll start to drift away. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm worried that i'll lose my ghc pigss soon too. i can feel them slipping through my fingers, like fine-grained sand. soon, they'll just disappear. at the rate i'm going, every around me will. and i'll be left alone with all that i've always been wishing for.then i'll wallow in my sadness once again, and say that i'm lonely and that i long for someone to turn to. and when i finally get that i'll ask to be alone again. so the cycle repeats.one the way back yesterday, i stared at shaminah (she said she was depressed). i searched within me for something to say, something that would make her happy or just better. and i couldn't. the comforter in me has gone away. maybe there was never a comforter in me. i'll never know.sometimes i get resentful towards people like her. i wish had all those qualities that radiated such an attractive glow. i wish i was more friendly, more fun to be with. but the harder i try, the less natural it is. even if it works out for a while, the higher i climb the harder the fall.my dad is such a big bully. he makes fun of my mom's origins. he think she's stupid and not capable of taking off. he scolds her for stupid things like burping. and oh wow i assure you he doesn't burp. he farts twice as often.ever since last yr, he invaded my territory. he took over my bed. and he takes advantage of his placings by going through all the stuff on my desk. all the letters i write and receive. all the rantings i crumple up and squish behind the hifi. HE IS AN ASS. i am displaced now. i either sleep with my mom, or sleep on the couch.i was watching the first 10 minutes of chase the other day. then being the usual killjoy he started telling me to study. preparing dinner half an hour early to stop the goingons in the house. so nvm. i ate. i stood up. i didn't put my bones on the paper provided, but dumped it straight to the dustbin instead. he took that as a sign of defiance and said. "what's the paper put here for?" when i didn't reply he said "you just want your stupid movie."which i didn't. i picked up my chinese stuff and went back to the dining room."i don't want that stupid movie. who wants that stupid movie? you want ah. i on for you?"he was enraged and got violent, as usual. that LOSER. hit me more, daddy. i'm immune to you already.i won't regret even if i died this moment. i have nothing to live for anyway.
1:16 PM
reach for
the stars(:
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